SUMMER UP IN HERE

Summer is fun, summer is fun, summer is… (repeat until true)

Running out of DVDs? Minecraft lost its luster? Summer camps are full because you are obviously ADHD to the max and didn’t think about calling around until June 7? You’re in good company.  If you’re looking for something to do with the kiddos, here are some ideas that came straight from our daily planner:

Buy a drone: This one seems obvious – either obviously stupid or obviously brilliant. The way to ensure the latter is to find the cheapest drone on Amazon and not read that the battery life is seven minutes. This next step is important so pay attention: whatever you do, DO NOT buy an extra battery.  It will ensure that your children will complain incessantly during the 18 hours it takes to charge the battery that comes with the drone.  Finally, when the drone breaks during the first 4 minutes of use, rant and rave like a madwoman for a half-hour and then hide in your bedroom complaining of a headache just to avoid hearing the shrill cries of your children. FUN!

Buy a selfie stick:  Make sure you overspend, though – $20 seems to be an appropriately high price point for a selfie stick considering you can g to the $5 store and grab four for the same price.  Don’t read the instructions – I mean, it’s a selfie stick – because you don’t really need to get that phone in there tight anyways.  Go put on a full face of makeup (because #nofilter) and artfully arrange your two obnoxious dogs and grumpy children for a creative selfie in bed. Extend the stick as far as it goes, preferably over your children’s heads.  Proceed to drop the phone on yourselves at least twice before getting in exactly one shot with no dogs and very weirdly smiling kids.  SUCCESS!

Let them try to pump up a baby pool:  First, find the babiest of baby pools at Goodwill and please, make sure the box is open.  That way there’s a sense of dread and excitement upon opening the box, not knowing how that pool will look once it’s unfolded in the backyard and the dogs are peeing all over it.  After inspecting for large holes, mold patches (true story), and any missing pieces, drop the hand pump on your peeing dogs (BY ACCIDENT, sheesh) and let the kids have at it while you enjoy your new folding chair that you ordered on eBay.  Completely ignore the whining and complaining, and sigh loudly 4 hours later when the pool is finally pumped up but now it’s dark outside so NO ONE will enjoy this pool today, OKAY????

Insist on going out during a heatwave: It’s only been 100 degrees outside for a week, it can’t be THAT bad, right?  So put on your suits and grab your towel because we are goin’ SWIMMING!  The key to making this one work is to hit the pool the day after getting a tattoo (huge no-no) but wrap that sucker up in gauze and wear a long-sleeved shirt over it.  Get nice and hot before you gird you loins to ignore your kids screaming because the concrete is too hot.  Try not to vomit when you hit the baby pool, which is decidedly green with urine and who-knows-what else babies propel from their bodies.  When it’s time to go, add a little oomph to your day by arguing loudly with your son that you will indeed march him into that Mens’ locker room just to prove to him that there are, in fact, changing stalls.

Now – get out there!  Make this summer THE BEST EVER!!

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